THANKS GUYS. Turns out that this entire time, my computer *was a recall laptop* that desperately needed repairs, and the charger was charging in 1/1000ths of what it was supposed to, so my CPU was starved of its juice, too! We tried to send it in for repairs BUT THEN THE MOTHERBOARD WENT OUT AT THAT EXACT MOMENT KAJSFLJG we were in Lincoln at my aunt's house that had no internet so we couldn't install the driver to the hot swap machine that was supposed to back up my files, and then the replacement laptop we had refused to access the partition containing my files!
SO I WENT HARDCORE
First, I got tech support to properly fix its end of my aunt's wireless service so that the Xbox and the replacement laptop could have internet access.
Then, because Windows was ONCE AGAIN FAILING ME by not showing the partition containing my files, I burned an Ubuntu .iso (instantly recognized the hot swap device, no silly drivers needed lol) and proceeded to back up 400,000 FILES ZOMG AKJLKFAJ
I did it all.

Fixed my aunt's wireless internet set up, hooked up the Xbox live, backed up my files and was able to send my laptop in for its necessary repairs before the warranty ran out.
My mother is with me. I'm now 20, and my good friends and relatives are wishing me a happy birthday. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER
The only downside to this birthday is that I'm kinda unable to make music for the next 2 weeks. Good thing the album's safe and pretty much done.