[pony][original][wip] Need some feedback on this one.

[MatthewMosierMusic]

This is a song i wrote about ten minutes ago, and its a terrible one take recording, but its just conceptual at this point. so any feedback at all would be appreciated. not too sure whether i should continue this one or not.

[Conduit]

I'm not expert at this, but in my opinion this track has a ton of potential.
The lyrics need to flow a little bit better, and the chords feel really upbeat for the subject matter.
I think you should definitely continue it, your voice is great (although a few parts are a little weak) and the tune is catchy.

Hope this helps at least a bit.

[MatthewMosierMusic]

yeah, its a bit rushed. I was on a lot of caffeine for it.

I'm kinda going for that contrasting themes bit. I wanted to make a song that, when people are sad, can listen and relate to, but would make them feel happy. I hate it when I am sad and all I listen to are sad songs that make me even more sad. But, maybe that's not something that will work? I'll try and mellow it down a bit.

[Conduit]

I think the contrast is a good idea, but toning it down a bit would be a good. Don't make it sound depressing, just a bit more mellow as you said.

[MatthewMosierMusic]

Ok, so I have since updated this song. Mostly with the help of collaborating with Skelius. Here's where it stands now. What do you think?

http://soundcloud.com/matthewmosiermusic/lunas-apology

[colortwelve]

God, the chorus. Manly tears. That's beautiful.

(For some reason, I really want to remix it, even though it's practically perfect already. Why.jpg)

[MatthewMosierMusic]

Haha, thanks man.

Also, this is the first song I have attempted any kind of editing to. How did I do?

[Conduit]

Hey, sounds good, theres a few bits where the lyrics really lose their flow, such as during this section.

I didn’t mean to become this monster
I swear it’s the truth, I lost control

The opening notes of the solo also felt a bit unpolished, although the rest of the solo is great.
As a final note, are you planning on adding any drums? I think a nice light kick and hihat would really hold down the beat of the song.

Overall, great song.

[colortwelve]

editing

A good editor is an inconspicuous one, and I couldn't really tell to be honest.

[djbtown]

The chorus is amazing! Really catchy. The solo is amazing, too! I like the hook in the guitar part during the verses, but I feel it's overdoing it to have the vocals doubling the guitar... it sounds like you wrote the music first for the verses, rather than the lyrics, so maybe change the melody you're singing and alter the rhythms if necessary? Maybe fewer syllables in the verses since the chorus is already quite "fast" in terms of the concentration of words. I agree that it has tons of potential!

And @colortwelve, I know the feeling of wanting to remix something great... perfection in one genre still leaves room for improvement on the orthogonal axis of an entirely different genre!

[djbtown]

To clarify my point about the vocals doubling the guitar: if you listen to something like the verse of the immensely catchy "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Orv_F2HV4gk&feature=related, he could have easily used the guitar hook as the vocal melody, but he didn't, the contour actually goes in the opposite direction as a counterpoint, and I think the song is much better off for it. Just my 2 cents, though.

[MatthewMosierMusic]

Thanks! I wasn't sure what you meant. Also, how have I never heard of this guy?! Though, he kinda is following the guitar as far as I can tell. Also, I don't think I can do that since the chord rarely changes during the verse, like his song does. Vocals need to follow something right? Also, I was kinda trying to follow the style of Coldplay's Paradise. This song actually a derivative of my cover of paradise.

So far, this is what I have. Do you guys think its ready for the public?

http://soundcloud.com/matthewmosiermusic/lunas-apology-1/s-t1jyz