<original><pony> What Went Wrong - my first uploaded song!

[guitarfan01]

So, I'm working on a concept of doing EPs for each of the different type of pony, and this is the acoustic version of the first song from the Pegasus EP:

https://soundcloud.com/the-one-galen/what-went-wrong-acoustic-demo

Critique is welcome!

Lyrics:

Look at her / they said as they snickered behind her back
What a freak / with eyes that don't focus
Always last to get it / with everypony waiting for her to catch up
And can you call that English / random words don't make sense

And she tries to tell them she's not dumb –
There's something wrong with her tongue
And she knows just as much as you
Come on, see what she can do
Give her a chance!

Teacher's lounge / they've already decided on her fate
All they see / is everything she can't do
Always needs so much help / takes away time from the other foals
Easier to ignore her / at least she can be quiet

And she tries to tell them she's not dumb –
There's something wrong with her tongue
And she knows just as much as you
Come on, see what she can do
Give her a chance!

All her life / ponies telling her what she cannot do
After time / she started to believe them

And she tries to tell them she's not dumb –
There's something wrong with her tongue
And she loves just as much as you
Come on, see what she can do
Give her a chance!

I just don't know what went wrong!

It's not the end of the story, but it is the end of the song.

[Pulse]

You've got a nice voice, good sir. And beautiful harmony at 3:33, though it lost some impact once it was used after that, IMO.

Very nice. I can't wait to hear more from you in the future!

[guitarfan01]

I will admit that I have a tendency to pile on the harmonies with a shovel. :p I'm never quite sure where to stop with them. I dream of someday making some EDM with angelic choirs and guitars all over it.

EDIT: Does anyone know how I can subscribe to this topic so that I make sure I get any replies?

[VaporBlaze]

Very pretty, both guitar, vocal lead and harmonies. The lyrics have good impact.

The very last line did feel kind of off, IDK if it was the timing on each syllable, or the chords or what, but it sounded like it didn't fit with the rest of the song.

I understand that you have a soft, acoustic motif, but there were some parts that sounded a little empty, would it be reasonable to suggest layering a few more guitars tracks in the background, perhaps playing a lower end?

The piece reminded me a lot of DrDycer's style, and he is one of my favorite brony musicians ever, you should check him out! http://www.youtube.com/user/DrDycer
He does an excellent job of layering a bunch of guitar tracks together to make a really cool sounding song.

Over all, I think it's a great piece, and I can tell a lot of work was put into the vocals and composition!

[Nine Volt]

EDIT: Does anyone know how I can subscribe to this topic so that I make sure I get any replies?

Hit "View your posts" on the upper right.

[guitarfan01]

Sorry it's been so long since I was here. I forgot I'd posted this up here. :-/

Very pretty, both guitar, vocal lead and harmonies. The lyrics have good impact.

Thank you!

The very last line did feel kind of off, IDK if it was the timing on each syllable, or the chords or what, but it sounded like it didn't fit with the rest of the song.

Yeah, it's a little different - it shifts around in the key a little bit, brings in an Eb major, which is a minor 7th relative to the key center of F. It's also the only part of the song which is explicitly in first person rather than third, so there's also that. It's been rewritten several times already.

I understand that you have a soft, acoustic motif, but there were some parts that sounded a little empty, would it be reasonable to suggest layering a few more guitars tracks in the background, perhaps playing a lower end?

That is a good idea. This is kind of an acoustic version here; the final version on the EP will have more layers to it. Drums, bass, more guitars, maybe a glockenspiel or something.

The piece reminded me a lot of DrDycer's style, and he is one of my favorite brony musicians ever, you should check him out! http://www.youtube.com/user/DrDycer
He does an excellent job of layering a bunch of guitar tracks together to make a really cool sounding song.

Thanks! I'd never heard of him before. I really like it.

Over all, I think it's a great piece, and I can tell a lot of work was put into the vocals and composition!

Again, thank you very much for your feedback!

EDIT: Does anyone know how I can subscribe to this topic so that I make sure I get any replies?

Hit "View your posts" on the upper right.

Thank you very much!

[ph00tbag]

Maybe it's just your voice, but it sounds like you're kinda straining for some notes. Be careful. While that kind of singing can yield pleasing sounds, it also has potential to injure you if you do it too much in one sitting. Best bet is to learn how to protect your larynx first and foremost, then learn how to get some of that grit in there.

[guitarfan01]

Maybe it's just your voice, but it sounds like you're kinda straining for some notes. Be careful. While that kind of singing can yield pleasing sounds, it also has potential to injure you if you do it too much in one sitting. Best bet is to learn how to protect your larynx first and foremost, then learn how to get some of that grit in there.

Yeah, the highest note in the song is the fourth note in the odd numbered lines in the second half of the verse. I'm thinking of making that one go down instead of up. Although I like this vocal line better from a composition standpoint, it makes it difficult to sing without jumping into falsetto for the note. But then the vocal line would be a very straightforward up and down affair without the drop from the highest to the lower note I like so much. Such is life.

Once I sang it live with my standard tuned electric instead of my down tuned acoustic guitar. The whole thing was a whole step up from where it is now. Wasn't the best result. :p