The full title is "I was thinking of a title but then I gave up and posted this backstory instead". It took me 10 minutes to make this. Actually want to finish it, so...
http://soundcloud.com/n723/i-was-thinki ... -title-but
Things that I noticed myself-
Ambience needs to be lowered
Drums need to be muted a bit (not so sharp)
Timing between sections need to be shortened.
Anything else?