by Jokeblue » 22 Aug 2014 01:28
There once was this conductor of a large orchestra, let''s say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was up on stage conducting one night in concert, when he thought he heard the 2nd violin getting lazy with his parts.
So, much to everyone's shock he stopped the concert and confronted the violinist: "Excuse me sir, did you miss a few notes just now?"
The violinist looked a little sheepish. "I'm sorry... just, my hands cramping up and it's been kinda hard to play for prolonged periods of time..." he replied.
Joe, understandingly, responded "Oh, well that seems pretty reasonable then." And so Joe snatched the mans Violin and beat him to death with it.
Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.
The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a plate of cooked zucchini. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up yadda yadda yadda. Finally, he threw the big switch once... and nothing happened. So, he did it again... and still, nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, and so they had to release him.
Oddly enough, the guy got as a conductor back, to the concern of quite a few second violinists! Eventually, the orchestra was given another show. Anyway, during the show, The conductor notices that one of the percussionists was slightly out of time, and stopped the concert.
"Excuse me sir, where you a beat behind just now?", asked the conductor.
The percussionist, quite scared of what was to come, replied "A-a-a, I''m sorry, it was just a mistake.."
Joe looked around at his audience and his orchestra nodding "Ah okay... okay... Just a mistake." And with that, he slammed the percussionists head into his timpani and proceeded to beat him to death.
And so Joe was arrested and sentenced to death by electrocution again. It came to his last day, and the death row guard asked him what he would like for his last meal. He asked for a plate of cooked zucchini again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.
He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.
They washed his hands to get rid of any zucchini slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy''s chest.
Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...
People must have seen his repeated murders in concert as some kind of new awesome blood sport, because he was quickly hired as a conductor again and was to perform at a sold out audience.
So this time, half way through the performance, he thought he heard a mobile ring from out in the audience followed by the terrible sounds of loud laughter and "Oh HEY Paul! Yeah. Yeah I'm at the concert right now. Nah the guy hasn't killed anyone yet. Yeah. Yeah. Nahp. HAHAHAHA!" Etc. etc.
Naturally irritated Joe stopped the concert, again. Immediately as he did so half the orchestra ran for cover while the other half cowered in complete fear. Looking out into the crowd, Joe asked: "Excuse me, Sir, are you on your Mobile in the middle of my concert?" Knowing full too well where this was going, security was alerted, police were called and a two full swat teams were sent out because overkill.
Anyway, the guy on the phone answered "Wha? Oh Yeah. SOrry Paul. I gotta go, I got this jerk nagging at me. Yeah. Yeahp. Ok. Yeah. Yeah. Nah. Yeah. I gotta go... Yeah. Yeah ok..."
Expertly and with the precision and graceful force of the worlds most powerful ninja, Joe threw his conducting wand at the man, impaling him through the head, and then grabbed a double bass and leapt at him, swinging back ready to strike like a warrior jumping off a mountain to tackle a dragon mid-flight.
So yeah Joe was arrested, convicted, and sentenced to death by electrocution again.
When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a plate of cooked zucchini. He ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.
However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...
Satisfied, they strapped him in, and threw the switch.
Nothing happened. They threw the switch a second time. And still, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, yet again.
The executioner, extremely frustrated he''d seen this same guy three times already and hadn't been able to kill him, asked, "I can't take this anymore! What is it with the zucchini!?"
Joe shrugged and replied, "I just like zucchini."
Exasperated the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON''T DIE!!??"
"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I''m just a lousy conductor."
"...You know, l-like a conductor of electricity...? Since i'm a musical conductor but I have a really bad history with conducting, and I can't conduct... electricity... yeah... Sorry that was a really bad pun."
The guard, disgusted by this joke, promptly pulled out his fire arm and shot Joe in the head. He was cleared of all charges of misconduct and was celebrated by his peers, even getting cake and a pay rise.