Requesting a fanfic proofread?

Non-music works of yours and others' making. Art, poetry, fimfics, and more. Member specific threads are encouraged (e.g. a sketchbook).

Requesting a fanfic proofread?

Postby MisterJayBrown » 08 Feb 2013 23:40

Ohai. You probably notice this is my first post; it's okay, I frequent the forums, I just haven't gotten around to making an account until now. Quick into, I'm JayBrown and I have that one fic on EquestriaDaily. You know, the one just after the Twilight/Alicorn news so that nobody knows about it? Yeah. A Life Worth Living would be the name. Now, onto the main course.

I've mostly written another story, probably going to simply be named after the protagonist or his online moniker. The idea is a brony musician that made a wrong choice and threw away his college fund in hopes of pursuing music, despite never taking the chances he got to make money. I'm still not certain about things like names or the character's job in the story, as I needed to change them because I apparently guessed MicTheMicrophone's name AND his damn job.

Anyway, what I'm asking for is legitimate review. My last fic barely got any, but it was better written than this one. I don't feel right judging my own work, so I want some help here. If you choose to help, then thanks! If you don't, but you still read this far, thanks!

Here you go, if you want it: ... sp=sharing
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Re: Requesting a fanfic proofread?

Postby vladnuke » 09 Feb 2013 04:57

Is this a fanfic about real people?

Holy shit, im sorry, this is just too adorbs,
oh god i was rolling on the floor there for a sec

yeah i skimmed through it real quick there

i just never read a fanfic about a fandom before

that's a fourth derivative fanwork

eventually you're gonna run out of exponents, man
you'll be left with a constant, and then nothing
and i'll be constant-ly laughing
or you'll oscillate between states, merely repeating the same thing.
that's the problem when you get too deep in the derivation of media

1.This is a fanfic
2.about a fandom
3. who writes music
4. about ponies

You have to go down 4 levels of rationale to get here.


You off-handedly mention cancer treatment once and never mention it again. As if cancer was something your character just kinda shrugged off.

Your character is a hardcore Mary Sue. Not even kidding here.

All you have to say about people fucking over your giant 4 month long project is that it wasn't a nice thing. Seriously?

Your story is all tell and no show. Yeah, I get it that it's from the dude's perspective and all, but at least when I tell a story to my buddies, I don't go full reporter, I pull some showmanship and shit. This tale felt pretty awk. Spice that shit up, yo.

(lol piracy on mlr, but im not really taking off points for using it in your story)

"his eyes were limpid cyan pools of emotion"
Please don't tell me you endorse this line. That is cheesier than french Easy Mac. That's like a bad pick up line that fell into a box of chalk heart candy.

Since when do people plan out to do brony music forever? We're not the Sonic fanbase. (oh dear god i hope we're not the sonic fanbase)

"some wubbity-wub"
normally I'd forgive you for your technobabble, but seeing as your target audience for today is MLR, I'm going to have to disapprove.

On that note, a Casio CTK-3200 is not a good keyboard for midi at all (why would you pick a player piano). Once again, your audience of the day is MLR.

"I had all these moments." Please tell us more.

"He had a non-existent response to this." What are you even trying to say here?

Things you can improve on: Write a different story completely. The premise is what kills it. The whole idea of the brony-centric stardom search as a heroic pathway is something left to the realm of comedy. You tried to pull the drama card with this, but tbh, you kinda lost me at the start. Work on description. Work on character building. Work on making an interesting plot.

But to be fair, I really don't want to post this review. because I haven't put it on tumblr enough because I want you to not get discouraged. Writing is a skill, it requires polish, and I don't even know how old you are, so I can't really judge. Yeah, it's pretty awful, but I looked at the other fanfic you wrote, and that one was pretty bitchin', so keep at it.
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Re: Requesting a fanfic proofread?

Postby MisterJayBrown » 09 Feb 2013 21:32

Oh hey, neat. Thanks for the review, guy. I do know there's a lot left for me to do. But that's the point of posting this review request. And definitely thanks for detailing just what was wrong and stuff, that's incredibly helpful. To be honest, I don't know too many good keyboards, and went off of the knowledge that the keyboard at my school is good, and that that's a Casio, but couldn't for the life of me remember the model. Anyway, yeah. Thanks, in all seriousness. I'm gonna work on this whenever I get back to my computer.
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